LIFE AFTER “DEATH”

I WAS LYING IN THE BED NEXT TO MY MOTHER. I WAS HOLDING A PHONE THAT KEPT RINGING AND VOICES ASKING HOW I WAS FEELING. OF COURSE, I'M FINE, I FEEL FINE MYSELF, I REPLIED, NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY THEY WERE ASKING THOSE QUESTIONS. ROOMS, ROOMS, IN ONE ROOM YOU ARE BEING CRUSHED AND BENT, IN ANOTHER ROOM THEY CHECK YOUR MATH SCORE, READING AND UNDERSTANDING OF TEXTS. THE MOST DIFFICULT THING WAS TO FIND A TOILET AMONG THESE TURNS AND ROOMS. IT WAS EASIER TO DO THAT UNDER YOURSELF. THE LAST TIME I DID THIS WHEN I HEARD MY MOTHER'S TIRED VOICE — WHY DID YOU DO IT, THEN THERE WAS TURNING OF THE SHEET AND THE MATTRESS, ALTHOUGH THEY HAD NOT YET HAD TIME TO DRY ON THE OTHER SIDE.

THAT DAY MOM TOLD ME THAT I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT, AFTER THAT I WAS IN AN INTENSIVE CARE FOR SEVERAL DAYS, THEN I WAS IN AN EMERGENCY HOSPITAL FOR COUPLE OF WEEKS AND NOW WE ARE IN A MULTIDISCIPLINARY HOSPITAL DURNG THE SECOND WEEK IN THE STREET LETNIAYA IN KALININGRAD. I BELIEVE THAT I WAS TOLD ABOUT THAT BEFORE, BUT ONLY THIS DAY I BECAME AWARE, AND THIS STORY SOUNDED FOR ME LIKE FOR THE FIRST TIME. BUT COULD I THEN FULLY PERCEIVE IT, REALIZE IT? NO, I COULD NOT. I BEGAN TO THINK THAT I SHOULD DIE AND WAKE UP, THAT ALL THIS WAS NOT TRUE AND WOULD DISAPPEAR AS SOON AS I COULD DIE AND WAKE UP AGAIN. THIS FEELING HAUNTED ME FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

EVERY DAY MY MOTHER MASSAGED MY HEELS AND HANDS, AS THE DOCTORS ADVISED HER, SO THAT THE MUSCLES WOULD NOT ATROPHY. THEY PUT A WALKER NEXT TO THE BED, AND MY MOTHER BEGAN TO TEACH ME HOW TO USE IT AND HELP ME TO LOOK FOR THE NECESSARY ROOMS IN THE CORRIDORS, THAT WAS UNTHINKABLY DIFFICULT, ESPECIALLY TO FIND A TOILET, BECAUSE OF THE LOSSE OF ORIENTATIONS IN TIME AND SPACE. MY MOTHER DID NOT ALLOW ME TO USE CRUTCHES, SHE GAVE ME HER SHOULDER, AND I HUNG ON HER ARM WHEN I HAD TO GO DOWN TO THE LOWER FLOORS OF THE HOSPITAL. AT THE BOTTOM, ON THE FIRST FLOOR, THERE WAS A CAFE, PEOPLE, AND LIFE. WE LIKED TO SIT DOWN AT A TABLE, MY MOTHER BAUGHT DELICIOUS CAKES AND COFFEE FOR ME. AT THAT TIME, IT SEEMED TO ME, OR RATHER I WAS SURE, THAT WAS MY LIFE, THAT I LIVED IN THIS WAY, THAT THE OTHER LIFE DOES NOT EXIST AND NEVER EXISTED.

I WAS DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL BEFORE THE NEW 2019 YEAR, AND MY SON CAME TO TAKE US HOME. I THOUGHT I WAS SEEING HIM FOR THE FIRST OR SECOND TIME, EVEN THOUGH HE HADN'T LEFT MY SIDE SINCE THE ACCIDENT AND WAS CRYING ALL THE TIME, AS MY MOTHER TOLD ME LATER. THERE WAS ANOTHER MAN IN THE CAR, AS SEEMED TO ME, OR I SAW HIM LATER IN THE HOUSE, IT IS NOT REMAINED IN ME MEMORY. THE PROCESS OF SHORT-TERM MEMORY WAS JUST STARTING TO RECOVER, THIS MAN — NOW EX-HUSBAND, I DON'T LIKE THE PHRASE "EX-HUSBAND", WE WILL CALL HIM HEREINAFTER, "THE FATHER OF MY SON". HE PLAYED A HUGE ROLE IN MY AWAKENING AFTER THE RESUSCITATION AS MY MOTHER TOLD ME LATER, BECAUSE HE TALKED TO ME MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING — ABOUT WORK, ABOUT BUSINESS, I ANSWERED HIM GLIBLY, ACCORDING TO MY MOM. EVEN I GAVE HIM INSTRUCTIONS ON BUSINESS… THAT WAS TOO STRANGE, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT, PROBABLY MY SUBCONSCIOUS MIND TALKED TO HIM, I THINK SO NOW, BECAUSE AWARENESS CAME MUCH LATER.

WE HAD TO GET TO THE APARTMENT ON THE ELEVATOR, THE ELEVATOR STRANGELY REACTED AT ME, TWITCHING, THAN IT STOPPED NOT AT THE LEVEL OF THE STAIRCASE, BUT JUST BELOW, AND WE HAD TO LIFT LEGS TO GET OUT THERE. SOMEONE COULD SAY THAT IT'S A COINCIDENCE, AND THE ELEVATOR BROKE DOWN, BUT DURING TEN YEARS OF ITS EXISTENCE OF THIS HOUSE SUCH THINGS NEVER HAPPENED AND DO NOT HAPPEN NOW.

SWEET HOME, IT WAS SO STRANGE TO BE IN, I MEAN, IN MY APARTMENT. IN THE CORRIDOR TO THE RIGHT, AGAINST THE WALL, I SAW A LARGE AQUARIUM WITH DEAD FISH IN IT, BIG, BIG AND DEAD. I ONLY REMEMBER MY SCREAM, I CRIED OUT TO THE FATHER OF MY SON: "WHY DID YOU KILL THE FISH?" LATER MY SON TOLD ME THAT THE FISH GOT OXYGEN AND CAME TO LIFE AND SWAM, ONLY ONE BIG CATFISH DIED. RECENTLY MY MOTHER TOLD ME THAT SHE ASKED THEM TO DISABLE THE OXYGEN TEMPORARILY TO REDUCE NOISE, WHICH WAS TOO HARMFUL TO MY SEVERE HEAD INJURY THAT TIME. IN ANY CASE, THE AQUARIUM IS NO LONGER THERE, IT WAS GIVEN TO "GOOD" HANDS, AS WELL AS A HUGE MIRROR THAT BEGAN TO SLIDE DOWN ALONG THE WALL.

THE FIRST NIGHT MY MOTHER AND I LAY DOWN ON THE SOFA IN THE LIVING ROOM, WE OCCUPIED THE PLACE OF WORK AND REST OF MY SON'S FATHER, AND HE WAS ASKED TO GO TO THE BEDROOM. THE NEXT DAY THE DOCTOR-PROFESSOR WHO HAD TO BE PASSING THROUGH KALININGRAD ACCIDENTALLY, CAME IN OUR HOUSE, HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID: "SHE WOULD RECOVER." I UNDERSTOOD THESE WORDS AND, OF COURSE, I WAS HAPPY. I WAS HAPPY TO HAVE A CHANCE TO RECOVER. BUT, UNFORTUNATELLY, NOBODY TOLD ME THAT THE RECOVERY IS NOT LIKE YOU FELL ASLEEP AND WOKE UP HEALTHY, WHAT I WAS EXPECTING EVERY MORNING, BUT THAT THE RECOVERY IS THE LONG AND HARD WORK, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL, WHAT I GUESSED LATER MYSELF IN MONTHS OF HARD WORK.

LATER THERE WERE SCREAMS, NOISES, THROWING OF THE THINGS, MY MOTHER SHOUTED TO MY SON'S FATHER THAT HE SHOULD LEAVE US AND GIVE THE TIME TO RECOVER TO ME. HE TOOK HIS THINGS AND LEFT. I STOOD IN THE DOORWAY BETWEEN THE KITCHEN AND THE HALL. I DID NOT REACT IN ANY WAY, THE PROCESS OF THINKING WAS STILL TOO SLOW, AND I COULD NOT PUT EVERYTHING TOGETHER IN A SINGLE PICTURE IN MY MIND THAT TIME AND I DID NOT QUITE REALIZE IT YET.

TWO DAYS LATER THE NEW YEAR 2019 WAS COMING, I MET IT LYING ON THE BED AND WITHOUT TV PROGRAMS, THAT TIME ALL THE DAYS FOR ME WERE THE SAME. I WAS THERE… I WAS INSIDE OF THE "COCOON". BY THAT WORD, I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MOM MY CONDITION: YOU SEE THE WORLD AROUND YOU, YOU SEE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS WORLD. EVEN MORE, YOU MOVE AND TALK, BUT YOU COULD SEE THAT ALL THROUGH A THIN FILM, LIKE YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FILM, NOT INSIDE, NOT IN THE REALITY.