LIFE AFTER “DEATH”. STORY 3. TEARS IN THE RAIN.

MY SON'S MARRIAGE BECAME THE HAPPIEST EVENT FOR ME THAT TIME. I WAS HAPPY THAT DURING THAT DIFFICULT PERIOD FOR ALL OF US, HE MET "HIS WOMAN". THE WEDDING WAS GREAT. AND I HAVE ALREADY MET THE NEW YEAR 2020 CONSCIOUSLY. HOLIDAY LUNCH WITH MY SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, NEW YEAR'S TABLE AT THE TV WITH MY MOTHER AND MY NEPHEW.

THE DIVORCE WITH MY SON'S FATHER WAS FINALIZED ON JANUARY 20, 2020. IT TOOK TWENTY-FIVE YEARS FOR MY WISH TO BE FULFILLED. ON THE DAY OF THE BIRTH OF MY SECOND SON, DMITRY, I LOOKED AT THIS MAN OUT THE WINDOW OF THE MATERNITY WARD AND SAID LOUDLY TO MYSELF: “I WON'T LIVE WITH HIM”, I'LL GET A DIVORCE. MY MOTHER DID NOT ALLOW ME TO GET A DIVORCE THAT TIME, SHE WAS GOING ON A VOYAGE (MY MOTHER IS A LONG-DISTANCE SEA CAPTAIN) AND SHE THOUGHT THAT I ALONE COULD NOT COPE WITH THE BABY. ALL THE SUBSEQUENT YEARS, TOO, SHE DID NOT ALLOW THE DIVORCE, SAYING THAT THE CHILD NEEDS A FATHER. NOW I AGREE WITH HER, CHILDREN MUST BE RAISED WITH BOTH PARENTS TOGETHER, AND AFTER THAT, PLEASE, TO ALL FOUR SIDES… IF DURING THOSE YEARS THERE HAS NOT BEEN THE MOST IMPORTANT FEELING BETWEEN ROOMMATES — RESPECT.

I ALSO REMEMBERED THOSE THREE SECONDS IN WHICH SOMETHING HAPPENS IN YOUR BRAIN WHEN YOU FIRST TIME SEE A PERSON WITH WHOM YOU WILL BE IN SOME CONTACT LATER. IT MAY NOT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE AND NOT ALWAYS, BUT MY FATHER HAD THOSE THREE SECONDS WHEN HE SAW MY MOTHER FIRST TIME. ME, TOO. SO, WHEN I SAW THIS MAN-THE FATHER OF MY SON, FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE WAS BROUGHT BY MY ROOMMATE OF THE STUDENTS’ HOSTEL FOR SEEDS, I HEARD MY SUBCONSCIOUS: "AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND… AND WHY FOR ME?" MAYBE MY SUBCONSCIOUS KNEW HOW MUCH PAIN THIS MAN SHOULD COUS ME, JUST HE WAS DRIVING AT THAT TERRIBLE DAY, AND 27 YEARS BEFORE, HIS MOTHER, NOT WANTING OUR MARRIAGE, CONSPIRED WITH THE HEAD OF THE MATERNITY, HER FRIEND, TO KILL ME AND MY CHILD, I SURVIVED, BUT NOT THE FIRST SON.

TWO YEARS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT, I HAD STRANGE FEELINGS WHICH I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THAT TIME, NOW I CAN ONLY REMEMBER MY STANDING IN THE SHOWER, AND MY TEARS TOGETHER WITH THE WATER FALLING. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER, I WROTE THOSE THOUGHTS DOWN ON PAPER, CALLING THIS TEXT “TEARS IN THE RAIN”:

“MY THOUGHT. IN THE RAIN. A SHOWER IS LIKE THE RAIN FOR ME. WHEN I AM STANDING UNDER IT, NAKED, DEFENSELESS, I DISSOLVE INTO IT LIKE A DROP OF WATER, LIKE A DROP OF RAIN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT I AM FLYING ALONG WITH ALL THE DROPS, FALLING, DISSOLVING AND FLYING AGAIN. STANDING IN THE SHOWER, I BECOME THE UNIVERSE, AS IF I AM ALONE, THERE IS NOTHING AROUND, JUST THIS MOMENT, JUST THOSE DROPS, JUST ME. AT SUCH MOMENTS I AM VISITED WITH STRANGE THOUGHTS, NO, NOT THOUGHTS AND NOT WORDS, BUT AS IF REVELATIONS OF MYSELF TO ME. JUST NOW, I HEARD MY INNER MONOLOGUE THAT WAS ASSOCIATED WITH THE ONE WHO CALLED BY EVERYBODY DIFFERENTLY — ALLAH, GOD, HIGHER MIND, FATHER, THE UNIVERSE … SUDDENLY I REALIZED WHY WE ARE ALL, SO DIFFERENT IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD, DO IT, TALK WITH HIM, JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ALL CHILDREN AND OUR INNER SELF IS THE CHILD. NO MATTER HOW OUR BODIES GROW UP OR AGE, OUR INNER SELF IS ALWAYS A CHILD. AND THE CHILD NEEDS LOVE AND CARE. THE CHILD NEEDS A PARENT.

AND HE — THE SUPREME, THE SUPREME MIND, THE FATHER, LET EVERYONE CALL HIM AS THEY WANT, HE WILL ALWAYS BE THAT PARENT, AND WE WILL ALWAYS, LIKE CHILDREN, TURN TO HIM FOR SUPPORT AND WAIT FOR HIS LOVE. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DECIDED TO PUT MY FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, SENSATIONS ON PAPER, MAYBE SOMEDAY THIS KNOWLEDGE WILL COME TO ME. BUT IF I DECIDED TO RECORD SUCH BURSTS, I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE ABOUT MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE ALSO.

THAT HAPPENED ABOUT A MONTH AGO. I STOOD UNDER THE SHOWER AND ALMOST PASSED OUT, I WAS CARRIED AWAY IN MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE DEATH, ABOUT THE LOSSES OF LOVED ONES, AND I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN. MY TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN MY CHEEKS LIKE TOGETHER "WITH THE RAIN". I KNEW THAT OUR BODIES WOULD DIE AND OUR SOULS WOULD REMAIN, BUT IT STILL HURTS. IN A MOMENT, I UNDERSTOOD WHY THAT WAS SO PAINFUL JUST BECAUSE WE WOULD NEVER SEE EACH OTHER, NOT LIKE AS MOTHER, AS SON, AS BROTHER, AS GRANDMOTHER OR AS GRANDSON, AS SISTER. NEVER. WE WON'T SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. BECAUSE WE ARE ME. I AM THEM: GRANDPARENTS, GRANDCHILDREN, CHILDREN AND THAT IS IT — THE UNIVERSE, THE ALMIGHTY, AS YOU WISH, WHOSE DROPLETS FELL IN BODIES THAT WILL DIE AND WE ALL LIKE DROPS GATHER AGAIN INTO A SINGLE OCEAN. IT'S LIKE RAIN, BUT IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION-DRIP, DRIP, DRIP, YOU HEAR THEM ALL GO AWAY, FORMING ONE ENDLESS OCEAN. AFTER THE DEATH, WE WILL BECOME THIS OCEAN, ONE, THE WHOLE OCAN, AND WE WILL NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN».

ONLY NOW, FOUR YEARS LATER, I REALIZE THAT I HAVE WRITTEN THOSE LINES FOR MYSELF TODAY, THE SURVIVOR OF A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. DID MY SUBCONSCIOUS KNEW WHAT HAPPENS TO ME? WE HUMANS USUALLY CALL IT A HUNCH. WHAT HAPPENED HAS ITS OWN ADVANTAGE— ALL THE FEARS ARE GONE, THERE IS NO LONGER EVEN THE FEAR OF DEATH.

IN FACT, IN THE REALITY OF MY DEATH, I WAS AT A REFERENCE POINT, I WAS LIKE AN ATOM, THERE WERE NOTHING AROUND, EMPTINESS AND SILENCE. I THINK THE MATERIALISTS EXPLAINED IT MORE CLEARLY: "MATTER IS PRIMARY". THERE WERE REALLY NO THOUGHTS; THERE WAS ONLY THE PHYSICAL BODY AND THE INFINITY.

A LITTLE LATER, AFTER THE FIRST PASSAGE, I WROTE THE SECOND ONE, MORE OPTIMISTIC; I PROBABLY KNEW THAT I WOULD SURVIVE.

"WE COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH TWO PURPOSES ONLY: TO BE HAPPY AND TO HELP OTHERS TO BE HAPPY. YES, BEING HAPPY IS OUR MAIN PURPOSE, TO ENJOY THE LIGHT, THE SUN, TO ENJOY OURSELVES, TO DEDICATE OURSELVES TO THE JOY, NOT TO ANGER, NOT TO ENVY, NOT TO HATE, BECAUSE THAT ALL LEADS US AWAY FROM OUR PATH. ONCE WE LEARN TO BE HAPPY, WE’LL BE ABLE TO START OUR SECOND TASK TO HELP OTHERS TO BECOME HAPPY. THIS IS THE MEANING OF OUR EXISTENCE; THIS IS THE MEANING OF THE LIFE!”

TO FIND MYSELF, TO UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO IN THE NEAREST FUTURE AND HOW TO EARN MY BREAD NOW BECAME MY MAIN TASK. I HAVE NEVER BEEN OFFERED A LIGHT JOB IN THE CITY OFFICE BY MY LAST CHIEF, THERE WERE NO MENTIONONG ABOUT POSSIBILITIES TO WORKE ON A REMOTE BASIS, IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GO ALONE TO THE FACTORY, SITUATED FAR FROM KALININGRAD CITY IN THE FIELDS OF GURIEVSKIY AREA. I STILL NEVER "TRAVELLED" ALONE, WITHOUT MY MOTHER. RECENTLY, I JUST STARTED GOING OUT MYSELF TO THE NEAREST GROCERY STORE.

MY MOTHER CONSTANTLY TRIED TO TURN MY ATTENTION TO MY FIRST EDUCATION — ENGLISH. MY LONG-TIME FRIEND, WHOM I ONCE HELPED WITH ENGLISH WHEN HE WAS STUDYING AT THE NAVAL SCHOOL, HELPED ME WITH THIS DECISION FINALLY. BOTH HE AND MY MUM ASSURED ME THAT THE ONLY RIGHT WAY FOR ME NOW IS TO PUT MY KNOWLEDGE INTO PRACTICE. THEY WERE BOTH RIGHT.

I BEGAN TO GET IT AND EVEN I LIKED IT. CURRENTLY, I AM BUSY PREPARING FOR LESSONS WITH STUDENTS IN THE NEW ACADEMIC YEAR AND WRITING THESE STORIES, WHICH, I HOPE, CAN HELP SOMEONE IN THE SAME DIFFICULT PERIOD OF HIS LIFE.

MY LIFE WAS SUDDENLY DIVIDED INTO "BEFORE" (BEFORE THE ACCIDENT) AND "AFTER" (AFTER THE ACCIDENT). "BEFORE" IT WAS A VERY ACTIVE LIFE, FULL OF EVENTS AND CAREER GROWTH, "AFTER" IS ALSO A LIFE, IT IS INTERESTING, MEASURED, JUST DIFFERENT, THE MAIN THING IS THAT I HAVE IT, MY LIFE.