LIFE AFTER “DEATH”. STORY 2. RELEASING.

I'VE BEEN ROARING FOR TWO WEEKS NOW. I TRY TO CONTROL MYSELF, BUT THE TEARS STILL FLOW. AND IT'S GREAT, PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T CRIED FOR A LONG TIME, I WANTED TO DO THAT, BUT I COULDN'T. THE DOCTORS SAID— BE HAPPY THAT YOU CAN'T CRY, YOU'LL HAVE TIME TO CRY. THAT TIME I WAS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT PHYSIOLOGY THAT I CAN’T CRY, NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY, ASKING ME: "YOU GAVE UP?"

NO, I DIDN'T GIVE UP, AND I WON'T. IN MY MEMORY AT SUCH MOMENTS, I IMMEDIATELY REMEMBER THE SCREAM OF MY SON: "YOU ARE STRONG, YOU’LL BE ABLE, AND YOU WILL RISE."

I'M ROARING AGAIN. I WRITE AND ROAR, AND AGAIN THIS TERRIBLE QUESTION TO MYSELF — WHY I DIDN'T DIE THAT TIME. I ASKED MYSELF THIS QUESTION MANY TIMES DURING THE ENDLESS MONTHS OF RECOVERY. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A WEAKLING'S QUESTION, BUT I'M STRONG, I WILL BE ABLE.

AFTER THE NEW YEAR, IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE JOURNEY. MY SON SET THIS JOURNEY FOR MY MOM AND ME TO A SANATORIUM IN SVETLOGORSK, AT MY EMPLOYER'S EXPENSE, NOW THE FORMER EMPLOYER.

THERE WERE TWO UNCOMFORTABLE BEDS IN THE ROOM, WITH SOME KIND OF CONVEX NETTING, WE MOVED THEM TO PUT TOGETHER, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TRIED TO SLEEP ALONE YET. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WAS VERY PLEASED, BECAUSE THE TOILET IS RIGHT IN THE ROOM, I.E. IT IS NOT FAR FORM THE BED. A VERY INTERESTING AND BUSY LIFE STARTED. A VERY SMART AND PLEASANT WOMAN, THE HEAD OF THIS DEPARTMENT OF THE SANATORIUM, DESCRIBED MY CLASSES. WHAT I WAS FORBIDDEN SO FAR WAS TO USE ANY ELECTRICAL DEVICES, THAT IS, IF YOU TURN THE PEDALS, THEN ONLY MECHANICAL MEANS AND TO SWIM IN THE POOL WAS STILL TOO EARLY FOR ME.

I READ ALOUD A LOT, STARTING FROM THE LAST HOSPITAL, AND I LEARNED POEMS WITH MY MOTHER TO TRAIN MY MEMORY. ALSO I LEARNED WAYS IN THE ENDLESS CORRIDORS AND TRIED TO REMEMBER WHERE WAS THE DINING ROOM LOCATION, THE PHYSICAL ROOM LOCATION AND MANY OTHERS ROOMS. THERE, IN THE SANATORIUM, MY MOM BEGAN TO ALLOW ME TO WALK WITHOUT ANY SUPPORT, AND I WENT… I WENT MYSELF. SO PROBABLY LITTLE KIDS ARE HAPPY WHEN MAKING FIRST STEPS.

WE MOVED FURTHER IN OUR WALKS, BEGAN TO GO BEYOND THE SANATORIUM, EVEN REACHED CROISSANT CAFE ALONG THE RAILWAY TRACK, LOCATED NOT FAR FROM “YANTARNIY BEREG”. WHAT DELICIOUS CAKES AND COFFEE WERE THERE! AND IN THE SANATORIUM, ONE DAY WE VISITED DANCING, AND I EVEN TRIED TO DANCE, IF, OF COURSE, MY HARD MOVEMENTS COULD BE CONSIDERED AS A DANCE, BUT WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT IT WAS FOR ME, THERE WERE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT.

OUTSIDE OF THE RESORT, WE FOUND A SHOP WITH CAKES NAMED NIKOLAEV OR FROM NIKOLAEV, THEY WERE SO FRESH AND DELICIOUS, AND, OF COURSE, I WAS DRAWN TO THE CHOCOLATE ONES, THAT TIME I ATE A LOT OF CHOCOLATE. DOCTORS SAID IT WAS OKAY, BEAUSE OF RESTORATION OF THE BRAIN AND ONCE I SHOUD STOP TO EAT CHOCOLATES. SO IT HAPPENED, AT SOME POINT I STOPPED SUFFERING FOR CHOCOLATE. THAT'S JUST GAINED MY EXTRA WEIGHT COULD BE REDUCED WITH DIFFICULTIES NOW ON DIETS.

ON WALKS, I WORE TRACKSUITS, SWEATERS, AND SNEAKERS MOSTLY; MY LOOK DID NOT INTEREST ME AT ALL. IT TURNED OUT THAT I HAD NO FRIENDS AT ALL. I USED TO THINK THERE WERE SOME

HOWEVER, I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING, OR ALMOST EVERYTHING. THE PROCESS OF REMEMBERING WAS EXACTLY AS THE DOCTORS SAID, FROM THE BEGINNING OF LIFE TO THE PRESENT DAYS, AND THEY SAID THAT SOMETHING WOULD NOT BE REMEMBERED. I STILL DON'T REMEMBER THAT DAY, THE DAY WHEN I "DIED", I CAN’T REMEMBER THE ROUTE, THE ROAD, OR THE CAR FLYING AT US.

THE HARD WORK OF REBUILDING CONTINUED AT HOME. WE WENT OUT EVERY NIGHT AND WE WALKED AROUND THE HOUSE, MY MOTHER SHOWED ME HOW TO WALK CORRECTLY, PUTTING FEET NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

COMMUNICATION WITH COLLEAGUES OF THE PARTY IN WHICH I AM A MEMBER — THE COMMUNIST PARTY-HAS PLAYED AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN MY REVIVIFICATION. I REMEMBER THAT DAILY CALLS FROM ONE COMMUNIST WOMAN, MEMBER OF OUR CELL, PULLED ME OUT OF OBLIVION IN THE LAST HOSPITAL EVERY TIME.

DURING THE PERIOD OF HOME RECOVERY IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR MY RECONDITIONING, THAT MY CHIEF, NOW THE FORMER CHIEF, GAVE ME PROMISES TO PROVIDE ME WITH A LIGHT OFFICE JOB IN KALININGRAD CITY (THE FACTORY ITSELF WAS OUTSIDE OF THE CITY AMONG FIELDS), BUT AS THEY SAY, “TO PROMISE — NOT TO MARRY”. AFTER OUR MEETING AT A CAFÉ WITH MILLION STEPS TO DOWN, HE SAID THAT HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND MY CONDITION. OF COURSE HE COULD NOT, BECAUSE I WAS STILL THERE, «IN THE COCOON.”

ABOUT SIX MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT LATER, ONE DAY I WOKE UP AND REALIZED THAT I WAS NO LONGER "IN A COCOON", I WAS HERE, IN THIS REALITY, IN THIS DIMENSION. IN 10 MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, MY SICK LEAVE WAS CLOSED; THEY GAVE ME A DISABILITY LIST. I BEGAN TO LEARN TO LIVE ON A DISABILITY PENSION OF NINE THOUSAND RUBLES, MY LIFE WAS BETTER WHEN I WAS ON THE SICK LEAVE, BECAUSE OF THE NORMAL SALARY BEFORE THE ACCIDENT. I EMPTED A HUGE BOTTLE WITH MONETS, WE COLLECTED IN THE PAST, I TOOK FOR SALE BRONZE AND SILVER FIGURINES BEING AT HOME, THEN IT BEGAN TO SELL GOLD JEWELRY.

THERE WAS NO ANY HELP FROM THE FATHER OF MY SON, NO FRUIT, NO MEAL, NO MASSAGE THERAPIST, NOTHING, BUT MONTLY PAYMENT OF THE LOAN IN TEN THOUSAND ROUBLES, WHICH WAS ISSUED TO ME SHORTLY BEFORE THE ACCIDENT. IT BECAME HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY THAT, AS I WAS PROMISED AT WORK, AT MY WORK IN THE PAST, NOW AT HIS WORK.

I REMEMBERED SOMETHING ELSE THAT I WOULD DEFINITELY LIKE TO MENTION. EVEN ON THAT DAY, THE DAY WHEN HE LEFT MY LIFE, A STRANGE FEELING CAME OVER ME, I FELT AS IF THIS PERSON WANTED TO TAKE MY PLACE IN LIFE, TO BECOME ME, I REMEMBER EVEN MY SHOUTING AFTER HIM: "YOU WANT TO TAKE MY PLACE IN MY LIFE!»