Про Федота-стрельца, молодого удальца

Leonid Filatov

THE TALE OF

SOLDIER FEDOT, THE DARING FELLOW

A fairy tale for stage performance

(based on the Russian folklore)

Translated by Alec Vagapov

JOKER

Believe it or not, once there lived soldier Fedot, and this is the tale of the daring fellow. He was neither handsome nor a fright, neither wealthy nor hard up, neither ragged nor dressed up, neither pale nor ruddy-faced, he was so-so, quite commonplace. Fedot's mission was hunting and fishing. The Tsar had fish and game, Fedot had thanks, and that was his gain. The Tsar's palace was crammed with travellers. One was a Greek, another Hawaiian, a third was a Swede, and they all needed a feed! One wanted lobsters, another wanted oysters, a third wanted a prawn while the catcher was only one.

One day Fedot was ordered to come to the court. The Tsar was the shrimp of a man, his head like a little onion, while his malice could fill the whole palace. He looked at Fedot as if to say: «I can't stomach you anyway».

Out of dread Fedot turned wet, his ears started ringing, his guts gave way, and here's the beginning of the tale, so to say

TSAR

The British envoy has come for

Our refreshment after night before,

While we only have to eat

Stale bread, a bone… and that's it!

You must go and bring some food,

Something special, something good,

Say, a partridge, or a grouse

Or whatever, from the wood.

If you can't do that, my dear,

I shall have to execute you, hear?

It's a matter of importance,

A state affair, is it clear?

FEDOT

Yes, of course, I understand,

I'm wise enough for that,

A stupid bumpkin I'm not,

And I do know what is what.

Well, as far as I can see,

I make all the policy,

If I fail to shoot a grouse,

There will be a war on us.

To content the British guest

I shall do my double best,

Even at the cost of life

I'll procure some food-stuff.

JOKER

The Tsar's word is as firm as wood: if he says: «go bear hunting», you will go bear hunting. What else can you do? You just have to! Fedot had covered the ground of a hundred of woods and bogs around. Alas, there was neither a partridge nor a grouse! He was all in, dog-tired, and it was almost night. He had nothing in the bag, yet it was time to go back. Suddenly, as if in a vision, he saw a bird, a little wood-pigeon. It didn't try to hide showing no sign of fright.

FEDOT

What affliction! What a shame!

There isn't any trace of game.

Pr’haps that’s the bird I have to shoot,

It's at least some kind of food!

They say pigeon meat is bad,

I should not agree with that,

When you have it with a sauce

It's like a grouse, or not worse.

PIGEON

Please, don't hurt me, dear Fedot,

It's quite worthless, is it not?

Just one bird is not enough

For a dish or pillow stuff.

Your foreigner might like to eat

Some kind of very special meat,

Whereas my meat's just enough

To make a wild cat laugh.

FEDOT

Is the goblin somewhere here?

Are these tricks of the evening air?

Is there anything the matter

With my eyes or with my ear?

Has the Tsar decreed

That pigeons

Should now speak

Like human beings?

PIGEON

Don't do wrong to me, Fedot,

Take me home, and you know what:

When you bring me to your chamber

I shall be your destined lot!

I shall sew and wash and cook,

Never give you a rebuke,

I shall keep the house clean,

And I'll play the violin!

FEDOT

What a story, what a gag!

All right, get into my bag,

When we get home I'll find out

What this trick is all about!

JOKER

Fedot brought the bird to his room and sat there hanging his head, filled with gloom. He was really sad, and there was a reason for that. His game hunt hadn't come off, and it was no joke — the Tsar would chop off his head right off. So he sat in grief taking his leave with the whole wide world. He remembered the vision of the little wood-pigeon. He looked up and, instead of the bird, he saw a young woman in the middle of the room, a maid full of splendour, so gracious, so slender!

MARUSYA

Hello, Fedya, from now on

You and I will get along,

I'm Marusya, your good wife,

Or should I say, your better half.

Why are you silent? Have you got

A bone or something in your throat?

Maybe, you don't like my head-dress,

Or, maybe, you dislike my coat?

FEDOT

There is nothing I won't do

To admire you and be with you,

But I don't think that I can

Marry you and be your man.

See, this morning I was called

To the Tsar, and I was told

To get, you know' a sort of a grouse

'nd bring it to the Royal house.

Though it's not a hunting season

With the Tsar it's hard to reason,

Then I thought, all right, a grouse

Is not a bison, so it's easy.

I have tramped the woods all day

But was out of luck today:

There was not a single game bird,

Nothing good came in my way.

So there isn't any chance

That I go out for a dance,

When I see the Tsar tomorrow

He'll chop of»my head at once.

Without my head…, well, I don't think

That I'm good for anything,

For it's my mind that makes the meaning

And the essence of my being!

MARUSYA

Now, don't worry, don't complain!

You will have the meals and game.

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,

Get immediately what we need!

(Marusya claps her hands, and two burly fellows appear in front of her.)

Do you hear what I say?

Go and do it without delay.

FELLOWS

You don't have to doubt us,

We have done it many times!

JOKER

Meanwhile the Tsar and the envoy are sitting at the table. Look who's there to join them! Yes! It's the Nursemaid and the princess! All are waiting for the game Fedot promised to obtain. Now the table is empty — no meal. There are cabbages and dill, parsley, carrots, roots of beet, and that's all there's to it.

The guest looks bored; he sits dangling his foot and watching the holes on the table cloth. The Tsar is boiling hot, swearing and cursing soldier Fedot. Suddenly, — oh my! — as if from the sky, there come a loaf of bread and an apple pie, a bucket of caviar, stewed turkey, giblets, sturgeon soup, fishes and a thousand more of such-like dishes. With dainty like that, isn't it nice to have a chat?

TSAR

I am interested in

Your technology of seedin':

Do your farmers skin the swedes

When they plant them in the fields?

ENVOY

Yes.

TSAR

I'm interested in

Your daily eating routine:

Do your people have their cocoa

With or without saccharine?

ENVOY

Yes!

TSAR

Then there's another thing

That I'm interested in:

Do your women wear knickers,

Something underneath, I mean?

ENVOY

Yes!

NURSEMAID

Are you crazy? Shame on you!

Think whom you are talking to!

Women is the subject you

Turn all conversations to!

TSAR

Will you shut up, be so kind.

If you don't, I'll jail you, mind!

It's not an idle talk, you see?

It's my foreign policy!

Look, she's quite a big lass

But she is as thin as a lath!

So I'm thinking, if we can

Marry her to this here man.

To entice him we must act

Very cautiously, with tact,

Talking round, making hints,

Trying not to hurt his feelings.

NURSEMAID

Not even I — not for your life! —

Would really want to be his wife,

All he has in mind is try

And swallow something on the sly!

«Yes»is all he is repeating,

While he never ceases eating,

Close your eyes, and he'll devour

Half of Russia, at one sitting!

TSAR

Keep your mouth shut, my dear,

Or I'll kick you out of here.

You have scared all the envoys,

All the aliens, as it were.

There was a Spanish grandee,

He was a fop! A real dandy!

Bedecked with diamonds, he made

A perfect party for our maid.

What you did you sat our friend

Down on a nail, «by accident».

Consequently the guest has

A strong bias against us.

NURSEMAID

I remember that Spaniard,

I recall he ate like mad,

He was so absorbed in eating

That he smudged his bow in fat.

No matter what you asked him he

Would keep parroting: «si, si»

While he would indulge in eating

Our herring ivashi!

TSAR

Stop it now! Or you'll wind up

Rotting in a prison camp!

I'm quite serious!.. Don't think

That I 'm talking tongue in cheek.

The German baron that we knew

Was good from every point of view.

Yet you did your best to hurt him

And offend him, didn't you?

Wasn't it you who worked him up,

By putting a mouse in his cup?

You are a wicked, vicious woman,

A god damn treacherous thing, a vermin!

NURSEMAID

Well, your baron was quite good,

Good at eating our food,

Put him in a flock of ravens,

He will fight them like a brute!

Looking proud, talking big,

He's voracious like a pig.

He would even gobble hay

If he didn't have to pay!

TSAR

You just wait, there's every reason

To deliver you to prison.

I'm not cruel, but I've no use

For you spies and evil doers!

Tell me, are there any ways

of marrying of»our princess?

Don't you know, there aren't many

Eligible men among her friends?

If there were a legion around,

You could argue, there’s no doubt,

But there isn't, so we have to

Pick what there's to be found.

PRINCESS

You're Russian Tsar, it'll be fair

If you mind your own affair,

How I live and whom I love

Are the matters of my care.

The house swarms with attaches,

There's a lot of them upstairs,

I can't bear any longer

The smell of their after-shaves.

TSAR

Love is blind… If that is true,

You will love the envoy, too.

And along with that you'll set

My worsened foreign trade straight!

It will do to our good,

I shall sell of»hemp and wood.

All the public give consent,

You're the only one who wouldn't!

PRINCESS

You may frown and complain,

Yet I'll say it to you again,

As an individual I have

Rights for free marriage and free love.

Maybe, I would give consent

And get married in the end,

If it were Fedot the soldier

Who would offer me his hand.

TSAR

Silly girl, you hold your tongue!

Don't you know where you belong?

Go and lock up in your room,

Learn your sol-fa, get along!

As for scoundrel Fedot,

The vicious rogue, I'll tell you what:

I shall whip him, drive him out

of the palace with a rod.

JOKER

The Tsar had a General whose occupation was gathering information. Like a hunting hound, he would sniff around in search of a suspect in a city crowd. He would put down all he heard in town; and then, at exactly seven, he would come to the court to give his report.

TSAR

General, you're feeling blue.

Is it quinsy or the flu?

Or you've drunk too much of beer,

Or you've lost at cards, have you?

Or your army is too small,

Or you do not want to serve at all,

Or you've found some defects

In a cannon tube or cannon ball?

Tell me openly, don't lie,

What is it that makes you sigh?

I should like to know in detail

When and where and what and why!

GENERAL

Well, I went to see Fedot

The other day, and you know what:

When I saw his charming wife

I fell down on the spot.

It's two days, upon my word,

That I haven't touched the sword,

There's nothing left for me but sigh,

I'm afraid, I'm going to die.

Yesterday, I will confess,

I made a sin: I wrote a verse,

The doc is scared for my brains,

It's a shock of love, he claims.

TSAR

The soldier must be gotten rid of.

Didn't he know that I'm a widow?

I'll remind you of your duty:

Go and bring me now that beauty!

As for this insidious man

Wipe him out, if you can,

Grind him out so that he

Mightn't hang around here!

GENERAL

To kidnap her I've got wits,

But think of people in the streets,

When they learn it's your idea

They will tear you to bits.

People are quite bold today,

They will show their teeth, won't they?

You and I dislike the soldier

But they're all the other way!

TSAR

Are you such a fool all days

Or is it just on Saturdays?

Must I tell my minister

Everything in every case?

To prevent the vicious tongues

You must act on legal grounds,

Or, in other words, just try

And do it… on the sly!

I for one give you my word:

You will have a good reward,

Our smiths have been assigned,

To forge medal for you, mind!

JOKER

Almost two days the General racked his brains brooding over the plan how to get rid of the soldier-man. But his brain had cracked under strain. He thought again and again but all was in vain. Then, on loose end, he remembered his old friend, Yaga the Bony Leg whom he could beg. «Gotta get 'er, she knows better». She was in the forest gathering herbs, making poisons. When she saw the friend of hers she lost all her plants and herbs. She felt lonely indeed in the wood without her kindred!..

OLD WITCH

You are not yoursel»today,

Looking pale, struck with dismay.

Are the Turks approaching Moscow,

Or the Swedes stand in your way?

Have this aspen bark, a bit,

It will do you good indeed,

After all, it isn't nitric,

It's a gift of nature, isn't it?

The aspen juice, my General,

Has got a healthy mineral,

No General has died from it,

Just have a taste, and you'll be fit.

GENERAL

Lay off, woman, I'm not ill,

Let us step across the hill,

Scare away those hedgehogs, squirrels,

I must talk to you, it's serious!

There's a soldier, Fedot by name,

He thinks he's got too much brain,

I was told the other day

To put him out of the way.

How? By cutting of»his head?

There'll be a noise, I'm afraid.

Can you give me your advice

As to how to make him dead?

OLD WITCH

Magic, magic, you know what,

Three are here, yours are not,

Ace of diamonds, oaken coffin,

Tell me all about Fedot…

Well, if he's so prompt and smart

As to dare disregard

Our sovereign, let him get,

By tomorrow, a golden carpet.

It has got to have a grand

Map-like view of the whole land.

If he doesn't make so bold,

It will be his own fault.

GENERAL

What a woman! What a skill!

That's the end of my ordeal!

You could be a politician

And hold a minister's position!

With the foes we must take care,

There's always trouble in the air,

I would join you on a mission,

Take you with me anywhere.

I can pay you back, I think,

Marten, beaver — anything!

If you want, I'll give you coins,

Gold or silver — it's your choice.

OLD WITCH

Keep us without sin this day,

Better put your coins away,

I'm not doing it for money,

I enjoy it, so why pay?

Should you have some trouble again,

Come, don't treat me with disdain,

After all, I'm not a beast,

I will always soothe your pain.

JOKER

Soldier Fedot is summoned to the court. The Tsar is as cross as two sticks, even before he speaks. He moves around, stamping the ground, rolling his eyes, in short, he tries to assume the air of threatening terror.

TSAR

By tomorrow you must get

A carpet of a spun-gold thread,

Try and do it for all you're worth,

It's a state affair, don't forget!

It has got to have a grand

Map-like view of the whole land.

'cause from my balcony I see

Nothing. Do you understand?

If you don't fulfil the task

And don't do as you are asked,

I shall have to hand you in

To the butcher in the mornin'!

JOKER

Fedot went home numbed with gloom. He sat down in the corner of the room, staring at the ceiling, his eyes tearing. Marusya offered him a snack but he put up his back; he wished nothing, just sat frowning and sobbing, looking black.

MARUSYA

Tell me, why are you so angry?

Why don't you eat, you must be hungry.

Is the porridge overdone?

Or the meat is underdone?

FEDOT

Dash it! I don't feel like eating,

The Tsar's ferocity is killing!

The villain knows no justice, heck!

There's no keeping him in check!

He has ordered me to get

A carpet with an ornament

Which must be as big as Russia

With the lakes and woods on it!

MARUSYA

Don't you worry, don't you sob!

Never mind the crazy snob!

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,

Get immediately what we need!

(Marusya claps her hands, and two burly fellows appear in front of her.)

Do you hear what I say?

Go and do it without delay!

FELLOWS

You don't have to doubt us,

We have done it many times!

JOKER

The next morning Fedot arrived at the court to show the Tsar the carpet he'd got. Out of surprise the Tsar choked with caviar. He was cross but he didn't want to show that he was. He pretended that he was as glad as could be!

FEDOT

I was told to get a carpet,

As you see, I've really got it,

Both the pattern and the colour

Are exactly as you wanted!

The whole of Russia is depicted

On the carpet. You may keep it.

It's my spouse's gift, brand new,

She has woven it for you!

TSAR

You're a dodger through and through!

How m'ny maids are you married to?

You cannot be engaged to

An entire weaving mill, can you?

I know you have a wife, Fedot,

She's the only one you've got,

And to weave a thing like this

One has got to have a lot!

FEDOT

Is the carpet not so fine?

Or you don't like the design?

Then I'll put it on my shoulder,

That's the end, I draw the line!

Lest my efforts be in vain

I shall sell it to trades men,

And I do not care a damn

If it flows to Amsterdam!

TSAR

I would be so glad to slash

You with a whip or with a lash,

So that you might never again

Play your jokes on serious men!

However, as a man I'm quiet,

And I'm fair, I'll give you right:

Here's a coin for you, buy vodka.

Now get out of my sight!

JOKER

The Tsar calls the god damn General. The former looks terrible, his face like a beet-root, the sign of a bad mood, for when he is red, he 's a real threat! He will beat you once, never twice, and straight between the eyes! The General knows that from his own experience, he's been wearing a band ever since.

TSAR

Well, my General, I imagine,

You have missed by a small margin,

But this margin will make up

Five years of a prison camp!

You're broad in shoulders all right,

But you've grown dull in mind,

There's a chance, at state expense,

To restore your mental health.

GENERAL

You may jail me any day

For any term, but I should say,

Prison as an object lesson

Will not help me anyway.

I would rather, sword in hand,

Fight for our dear land,

As for these petty intrigues

Count me out of such things!

TSAR

Come, your honour, be a good chap,

Don't you get into a flap,

Think about how Fedot

Can be laid down without a sword.

If you fool about 'nd refuse,

Then don't look for an excuse;

I shall wipe your mug, you swine,

With this very fist of mine!

JOKER

The General had no grounds to rub his hands: he couldn't smash Fedot at one dash. Again the poor man's brain had cracked under strain. There wasn't a single thought in his thinking pot! He thought again and again but all was in vain. This way or another, he knew: without Yaga he couldn't do. Again he made his way to the wood where he thought he would find a bridle on Fedot.

OLD WITCH

Why are you so glum again?

What's the reason, who's to blame?

Are the Spaniards too pugnacious?

Do the French lay any claim?

Here's a mould drink I have made,

Take a gulp, don't be afraid.

It will help you to forget

All the cares of life, I bet!

Though it‘s out of the way,

It will cool you anyway,

You'll be healthy by tomorrow

If you do not die today!

GENERAL

It's the soldier-man again,

He has caused me so much pain!

That's the reason why I'm ailing,

And I'm suffering from strain.

The bloody scoundrel's so clever!

He has fooled me! Well I never!

All your magic was in vain,

He got the carpet all the same!

Though he doesn't seem so bright,

He has got a keen mind!

Next time, when you do your magic,

Try to do it damn right!

OLD WITCH

Magic, magic, you know what,

Three are here, yours are not,

Ace of diamonds, oaken coffin,

Tell me all about Fedot!..

Ah-a, mm-mm… To my calls

I've got the following response:

Let him search and find a deer

With the branch of golden horns.

There's nowhere in the world

Such a deer, take my word!

I can tell you that for sure

As a naturalist, my lord!

JOKER

The Tsar called the daring fellow to the court. Hardly had Fedot brushed the sweat off his mush, when the Tsar got a new thought. The Tsar's head whirled with ideas while Fedot had to sweat head over ears. In short, Fedot's life was all rot!

TSAR

Shake of»idleness! Today

You'll have to get under way,

I'm in a desperate need of a deer,

It's a state mission, I must say.

If you're a loyal man,

You will do the best you can,

Go across the hills and swamps,

Find a deer with golden horns.

Don't talk back, and do not scold,

Go and do as you are told,

Or you'll get to know right off

How your head can be cut off!

JOKER

Fedot came home, in beastly form. He sat down by the window, snivelling, his sight dim. His charming wife clung to him, but he didn't touch the one he loved so much. He just sat shedding tears, suffering from grief, that is.

MARUSYA

Tell me, why are you looking blue?

Does anything worry you?

Has the soup too little salt?

Has the beefsteak any fault?

FEDOT

Dash! To eat I'm not willing,

It's the Tsar again. The villain!

He will call me to account

For the task that he has given.

He's s more ruthless than a foe!

He has ordered me to go

And find a deer, and he wants

A deer with golden horns!

MARUSYA

There's no reason to be sad,

Things are not as bad as that.

Stand before me, Frol and Tit,

Get immediately what we need!

(Marusya claps her hands, and two burly fellows appear in front of her.)

Do you hear what I say?

Go and do it without delay!

FELLOWS

You don't have to doubt us,

We have done it many times!

JOKER

At day-break Fedot brought the deer to the court. Out of fury and spite the Tsar got a stitch in the side. He would crush the swine but he gave no sign. He sat yawning, pretending languor, hiding his anger!

FEDOT

You've been waiting for it, right?

Well, I've got it, look outside!

Did you order me a deer?

There you are! You can take pride!

The deer's horns, for you to know,

Give out a brilliant sparkling glow,

It's as bright as broad daylight,

So you'll need no lamp at night.

TSAR

No such deer can be found

In these places, nor around!

There are three of them or so

In Baghdad, for all I know.

Now, you soldier, figure out

Where is Moscow and where's Baghdad,

Could you possibly have travelled

To Baghdad in just one night?